I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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