Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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