Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
