Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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