Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
