I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
