I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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