The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
