Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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