I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
