Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize