College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
