the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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