I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
