i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
