I wish I could teleport
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
There r osticjed everywhere
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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