the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
