My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
