Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize