woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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