Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
