It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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