Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
