I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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