Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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