toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
