mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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