Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
