babies were throwing up all over the place
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I checked into jail on foursquare
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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