your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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