I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
