You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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