I wanna bring you to show and tell
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize