I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
