He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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