I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
