There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
