somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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