1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
