Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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