She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
