dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
