Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
