Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My vagina is officially offended.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
