he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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