I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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