Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
what day is it and did you see me today?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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