he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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