More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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