meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
