addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
