Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
