Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
