so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
