By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
