i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize