i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
