In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
