WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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