this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
