I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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