Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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