The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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