The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm passing your future prison.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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