We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize