Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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