well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
