when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
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