I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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