3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
