Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
