someone threw a dead crab at me
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
