I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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