My sheets look like a crime scene.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
